The Way We Say the Things We Do!

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day and I'm doing a specific post today to honour and commemorate that. I've decided to focus on the languaging we use around suicide and mental illness. This is something I've been very aware of and conscious of since losing my husband, Rob, to suicide in Dec. 2000. Prior to that, I never really thought about it much or considered the impact some of my words could have on someone who had suffered either a loss of a loved one to suicide, or had mental illness themselves or knew someone that had either of these two examples.

I was amazed at many of the expressions or words that were in my vocabulary, things like "I should just shoot myself, or "bite the bullet", or "nutcase", "loony tunes", "they're retarded" - the list goes on and on. I work with many people who are directly impacted by suicide or mental illness, often both. I would catch myself as the words or expressions escaped my lips and I'd almost instantaneously cringe knowing the person I'd just said that to had lost someone to suicide or had mental illness.

Although I'd lost my husband to suicide and he had initially attempted with a firearm, the words relating to this did not serve as "trigger" (there's another one of those words!) for me, did not bring up any emotional pain. Within the suicide community, the word "trigger" is often used to mean "warning", an example might be a video or song saying "CAUTION MAY BE TRIGGERING". I have friends who have lost someone to suicide by firearm and many of them are extremely sensitive to any type of word that might bring up the pain of their loss. Other times you'll see a scene on TV where they show someone holding a firearm to their head and although not showing the actual use, it is inferred and you know that person took their life with a gun. So many of these examples are common place, whether on TV, newspaper ad, magazine ads, videos or any other format.

Sometimes you really have to wonder whether anyone at the decision making level had any level of comprehension at all to approve some of the things you see. When I do see an instance of inappropriate language, I am now almost compelled to let them know whether it be by a comment, email or phone call. I had one such example this past summer on Facebook. A very well known, well respected, highly successful magazine that had done an article on public speaking compared the nervousness of public speaking to committing suicide. I was appalled such a piece had escaped and been approved, but there it was in all its glory - not only on Facebook but in actual print as well.

I thought about it for a few minutes and wondered whether I should make them aware of their complete insensitivity and poor choice of words. I didn't want to publicly post it on their wall, but I did want to get my point across and make them aware. I looked on their website to see if a contact email could be found, wasn't able to find it, so I did decide to post on their Facebook wall. I was very diplomatic, told them how it was ludicrous that they'd compare the art of public speaking to committing suicide and that I found it inappropriate and assured them the severity and seriousness of someone taking their own lives was in no way comparable to the angst someone may feel before getting up to give a speech. I told them I found their post offensive and that many others would as well.

Two days went by and there was no comment, but many others on that page had "Liked" my post, it had caused some introspection. I was surprised when I suddenly got a message through Facebook from their Editor, apologizing for the use of the suicide comparison, saying they had not even considered that, but would definitely make note of it and keep it in mind for future publications. I was impressed that they'd go to this extent and thanked them for their reply. Within another hour of receiving that message, there was an actual response from the magazine itself assuring me that was not their intention and that they appreciated me bringing it to their attention. It took me all of a few minutes to compose my comment and I had raised their awareness - job done!

When it comes to the media and how they portray suicide, it is extremely upsetting to see how they release all the gory details, how they hound the survivors who are literally reeling from the shock of losing someone to suicide - yet the press still hounds them even in their most private moments and do not give them the respect, dignity or privacy they deserve. Some of the last minutes of their lives on 9-1-1 calls are openly published, again delving into the deepest, darkest hour of despair just for the sake of having the top story. It is absolutely disgusting to me and if there wasn't a market for this type of ghoulish hype, they'd all be out of business. One can only hope ;).

So as today is World Suicide Prevention Day, I ask my readers to please be more aware, more sensitive to others with what they are saying when it comes to the topics of suicide or mental illness. Show a little compassion, let the judgement go, put yourself in their shoes if just for a little while and be conscious of what's coming out of your mouth before it leaves your lips. I know it's not always easy to monitor your thoughts before speaking, but if you make a conscious decision to be more diligent, you'll be surprised yourself at how many things you're saying that could potentially have a very hurtful impact on others. Best to just rid your vocabulary of these types of words which quite often, have a negative connotation anyhow.

I was given an exercise many years ago to put an elastic band on my wrist for one week. Every time I caught myself saying or thinking something negative about myself - negative self talk - I was to snap the elastic hard enough to cause a bit of pain. Initially I was snapping that band a lot! My wrist was getting sore by day's end. I was astonished to realize just how much negative self talk was going on in my head or out of my mouth. By Day 2, I snapped a whole lot less, Day 3 barely at all and by Day 4 I'd made it almost entirely through the entire day without snapping. It sounded like a ridiculous exercise in the beginning, but it proved to be extremely telling and helpful in modifying my own negative self talk. It made me super aware of my thoughts and words in ways I'd never done before. This same exercise could be applied to help you rid yourself of inappropriate, insensitive, hurtful words or expressions when it comes to suicide or mental illness - so why not try it? See what shows up for you!

Please take a moment today, Sept. 10th to remember all those lost to suicide, almost 1 million die each year worldwide by suicide, 1 every 40 seconds. Those left behind are in complete and utter shock, pain and overwhelm, nothing could have prepared them for the journey they're about to embark on. Almost 90% of suicides involve some sort of mental illness, depression being one that is very common. Many will mark this day by lighting a candle at 8pm near a window remembering their loved ones gone, you too could help and commemorate this day this way too.

I am a passionate advocate for suicide prevention, I spend a great deal of time educating others about suicide and mental illness, helping fight the stigma that is very much alive and well even today. I do it because it is my passion - my purpose - and I feel that by telling our own personal stories we can powerfully educate others as to what a tragedy suicide truly is and in many cases, can be prevented. Awareness is more than half the battle, knowing what to look for with a friend or loved one, knowing the signs of depression, getting them the help they so desperately need is how you can help. Get involved, ask them if they're okay, spend some time and really listen and be prepared to not judge if they tell you they are depressed or suicidal. Sometimes all it takes is someone knowing they're not alone, that someone cares - it truly can make a difference. Be aware that discussing suicide will never give them the idea, and another myth is that when someone is talking about suicide - they're not serious. That is totally not true! Take every mention of suicide or not wanting to live seriously. Get them help, take them if you have to to a hospital ER, their doctor, a prevention hotline - don't ignore it.

I'm co-hosting a World Suicide Prevention Day Radio Show online call Sat., Sept. 10th 12noon - 1pm EDT and we've got 3 wonderful speakers from within the suicide prevention community. We'll be discussing teen suicide, military suicide and suicide and prevention in general. If you're free I'd love for you to listen, there is also a recording available.

For more details please check out the Event Page at:http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=243703925668579

You can LISTEN LIVE or LATER to the recording at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/aprilclineradioshow/2011/09/10/suicide-awareness-show

Get involved, learn about suicide, help raise awareness and dispel stigma and help save lives. Suicide is everyone's concern, no one is immune. Be well - be aware!

Suicide Changes Everything!

Sept. 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day and I wanted to do a specific post to honour this most worthy of causes. I'm a fan of the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) on Facebook who in official relations with the World Health Organization (WHO) have put this event together and it's worldwide.

I lost my husband, Rob Dec. 2000 and I can tell you it really does change everything. I was with him almost 30 years, had my whole life wrapped up with him both personally and we also shared a business together. I had no idea that things would turn out this way as he really only started falling apart in mid 2000 after we'd separated but continued working together. Our son was only 9 at the time of his passing, still believed in Santa somewhat but was aware his Dad had committed suicide - pretty strange for sure!

There was so much to do initially that it kept me quite busy, preparing for a memorial service, all the paperwork involved with a death, dealing with police and the coroner because he died on board our boat - it was quite a disaster. This all happened right at Christmas 2000, Rob died either on the 24th or early on the 25th but was not discovered until the 27th. I've done a very extensive blog with my story on Wordpress and go into much more detail as to what was going on before, during and after and if you're so inclined it's www.AllUCanbe.wordpress.com.

What I realized very quickly is that most people are totally freaked out by the term "suicide". It didn't bother me, but I was sensitive enough to read others' body language and quickly learned to say "unfortunately he took his own life" to soften the blow. I had no real prior personal experience with suicide, but knew I'd not had many conversations around the topic either. My family and Rob's family were absolutely shocked even though Rob had been severely depressed for a while and had attempted a few times in Dec. 2000. Even though you're aware attempts have been made, somehow you don't really absorb the severity of it until it is completed and final.

People offered condolences, there was an air of disbelief for those who knew Rob well, they simply couldn't believe he was gone or that he'd end his own life. Many were not aware of how emotionally unstable he'd become, but I was and after his first attempt with a firearm on Dec. 6th, he was institutionalized for several days and was then diagnosed bi-polar. I knew it as manic/depressive but the correct term or most accepted term is bi-polar. This explained so much when I learned the symptoms, the huge mood swings, compulsive buying, promiscuity and much of it because they're trying to recreate that "high" they get when they're manic, but it never can be recreated.

I have learned much since then, learned a lot about bi-polarism, mental health illnesses, institutions, treatments and so forth. There is still huge stigma attached not only to suicide, but also to mental illnesses of any sort. It's such a shame as those who truly need the help are afraid to reach out for fear of being judged, labelled or even ridiculed. Those who take their own lives are in absolute turmoil and unbelievable pain to such an extent that they believe suicide is the only way out. This just makes me so sad to think how much they suffer and what they go through to come to this conclusion. The expression - Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - is something I shared with Rob, told him we'd get through this, that I'd help him, but he just couldn't hold on.

The grieving process for those left behind, suicide survivors is very different than normal grieving. The stigma affects not only those suffering with mental illness, it also extends to the devasted loved ones left behind. The support group whether it be family or friends is usually not comfortable discussing suicide, they'd really rather not discuss it and often times say the wrong thing or even worse - just avoid it altogether - like it never happened.

It is my passion since then to do whatever I can to help bring suicide out of the darkness, to have open dialogue about it and thereby reduce the stigma attached to it all. Along the way, I'm meeting some incredibly strong, resilient, amazing people who have been impacted by suicide. It is a bond that cannot be explained other than to those who have experienced it. We all have different stories, but the commonality of sharing a loss by suicide brings us all together.

The IASP does tremendous work in this area, they are dedicated to preventing suicidal behaviour, alleviating its effects and providing a forum for academics, mental health professionals, crisis workers, volunteers and suicide survivors. Suicide claims approximately 1 million people a year worldwide, or 1 every 40 seconds according to WHO. They say for every 1 suicide that is successful, there are 20 that are not and when you do the math - that's 21 million people per year attempting to and succeeding in ending their lives. On average 4-6 people are directly impacted being friends or family and once again doing the math - that's 126 million people worldwide are impacted by suicide - don't know about you - but for me those are absolutely shocking statistics!

I would ask you to take a moment Sept. 10th at 8pm to light a candle near a window to honour those who have been lost to suicide and for all those still contemplating it. Remember the loved ones left behind, often in complete and utter devastation and unable most times to get any real answers. My heart goes out to each and every one!

Suicide is everyone's concern, it's on the rise in our youth and our elderly. With the present economy being what it is, stress and depression increases and suicide rates increase as well. We can all make a difference, we can reduce the stigma, increase awareness and educate on what to look for and most importantly, save lives.

Here is the IASP link for activites worldwide: www.iasp.info/wspd/2010_wspd_activities.php

Here is the IASP website: www.iasp.info