Tribute to my Stepdad and Mom

Today I called my Mom as I always do each morning. We had our usual chat, then she told me when she got up this morning she felt down and that it was the 6 year anniversary of her husband, my stepdad's passing. She said she misses him terribly and thinks of him still almost every day.

She said she wasn't feeling up to going to exercise class, but that she might join the others for coffee after the class or go down for Happy Hour today. I told her it was very self aware that she recognized how she was feeling and why, and more importantly - that she's choosing to take steps to elevate her mood.

My Mom is 80, I talk to her often about positive thinking and using tools to get yourself out of a funk. I was thrilled she had come up with this on her own. We don't always see eye to eye on things as she comes from an entirely different era, but I was so pleased she knew to do something social for herself today, which isn't her norm.

We talked about my stepdad, what a great guy he was, how much of a friend he was to her and that you never forget the memories you had with someone you spent a great deal of time with and loved. It's natural to miss those who have departed, and I suggested she also take time today to remember all the good times with him and not only that he passed away.

My stepdad was more of a father to me than my biological father who passed away when I was about 14. He was always very supportive of me even when he didn't agree with what I was doing. He treated me like his daughter, and I was always so thankful my Mom met him and they had many good years together.

My stepdad passed from cancer and he had a very rough time of it in the end. He handled the cancer with such dignity and grace, didn't complain much at all even though he was suffering. I remember visiting him just a short while before he passed away. He wasn't able to keep food down so was pretty much on liquids and even that sometimes didn't sit well. I'd just arrived for my visit with my Mom and he had to throw up.

I held the basin for him, there was no embarrassment, I was glad to be able to help. Afterwards he told me "this dying sucks" and that's pretty much the only time I heard him say anything like that. I was glad he felt comfortable enough to be able to say that to me, and I felt such compassion and love for him at that time.

My brother, my step-sister, my Mom and I all went to visit him the day before he passed. He was not awake anymore, was quite heavily sedated for the pain, but a wonderful nurse came into his room and said, just talk to him, tell him what you want to say and tell him it's okay for him to go. My step-sister seemed quite upset by this at first, but she too took her turn. I thought it was lovely and always felt that even though they weren't alert and coherent, they can still hear and that it would be comforting to him.

We all took turns talking to him, told him our thoughts, told him we loved him and that it was okay if he wanted to go now. It was highly emotional, but felt right. That night, my Mom decided to stay over in his hospital room on a cot, something she'd never done. We were worried she wouldn't get a proper night's sleep as she hadn't been sleeping well, but we didn't argue and she stayed. It was almost like she had an intution about it, as he passed away that very night. She awoke to not hearing him breathe, got up to check him and realized he was gone. He'd gone very peacefully and when I got the call early the next morning, I truly felt he'd been hanging on for all of us and after hearing we all said it's okay to go, he had.

I talked to my Mom today about the strange things people say thinking they're helping, like just don't dwell on it, or it's been 6 years time to let it go, etc. I told her it's perfectly natural to remember someone who had such a huge influence on your life and that it's okay to grieve and miss them, but to also remember all the wonderful times too. She said she still often thinks of her own father and he's been gone since she was 13 or so. I told her he too had huge impact on her life and had taught her well. Our memories keep them alive for us.

I know my Mom is very lonely and misses her best friend and partner. I am forever thankful she got a second chance at marriage and had a good one. I also know it's very hard on the elderly, my Mom feels a bit like there's not much purpose in life since my stepdad passed away, but she's a survivor and is doing the best she can to move forward and create a new life without him. For that I admire her.

In closing, I miss my stepdad too, he was someone you could really count on for anything. Advice, support or just a willing ear to listen and bounce things off of. He never judged me, would offer his opinion, but didn't get upset if I didn't heed his advice. I remember him fondly and with love, and am thankful he was in my life and am thinking of and celebrating him today.