DETERMINED Decision

Haven't posted here in ages! I use this blog when I have an independent idea for a post, not something that follows a previous post. So here goes!

I set the intention last night as I went to sleep, that today I would do a blog post on “determined decision”. I have done many posts or comments on mindset, thought awareness, motivation, put the pedal to the medal, take action. I am consciously aware of my thoughts most of the time and yet I don't always apply my knowledge to get the results I want.

I have had a task to get accomplished for almost two years. It was something that would result in financial benefit for me, I needed to get it done, yet each time I approached the paperwork necessary to bring it to fruition, I always got overwhelmed, frustrated and didn't get it done.

I often wondered why I did this? Why did I procrastinate on this one task so much? Why did I approach it with such trepidation? I knew it had to be done, I knew it was just some complicated paperwork and steps I had to follow through, that it was possible to accomplish it, and yet – I brought this “fear” of not being able to complete it with me each time I picked up the paperwork and many notes I'd made on what was required.

I knew time was running out for me, that I desperately needed the money and still days, weeks would go by and I'd not take action. So finally, this past Monday I was left with no other option but to do whatever it took to get it completed and mailed off. I had that tightening in my gut that always came when I even thought about accomplishing the task. I'm extremely aware of how my body “feels” when I'm about to take on a task that I don't really want to do.

Instead of allowing that sensation to prevail, I said out loud “I am determined to get this done THIS week no matter what!”. Instead of thinking about all the confusing legal paperwork I had to complete, most of which was already done, I chunked it down to baby steps, taking it one step at a time. Instead of viewing this as some insurmountable task that I would never be able to accomplish, I took the attitude that this was just a bunch of paperwork required to get what I wanted, and I wasn't about to let something like paperwork and process get in my way.

I set myself a goal of having it done “this week”. I'd actually set the goal to be a specific day, but if I wasn't able to get it accomplished in its entirety one day, I'd allow myself to be okay with that. I wouldn't say to myself “geez you didn't do what you said you were going to do!” AGAIN! Instead, I gave myself credit for putting the time into numerous phone calls to get further clarity, I made progress and allowed myself to recognize that. I'd tell myself as I fell asleep that I was several steps closer to accomplishing my goal and would feel good about it.

I'd get up the next day knowing I still had work to do to be finished with it, but instead of my usual thoughts of overwhelm, frustration and ridiculous internal fear that I'd not be able to do this, I just told myself to quiet those thoughts, they were not true and I would proceed to go back at the paperwork again.

On the Tuesday, I truly wanted to be able to drop the entire package off at the post office and be done with it after my doctor's appointment. I realized as the time drew nearer for my appointment, that I was no where near ready to put all the documents together in an envelope and drop it off, so I told myself that was okay. That I'd get back to it once I got home and then got ready without pressure for my appointment.

I realized as I was doing all of this, that this was not the norm for me. I'd normally be beating myself up for not meeting my timeline, I'd be focusing on what I didn't want instead of what I did want. I'd have continuous negative thoughts as I showered and got ready, I'd be anxious and feeling that going to the doctor's appointment was taking away precious time that should be given toward completing my task. It was really nice not doing that to myself, to just allowing myself to relax, feel confident as I showered and got ready, that this too would get done. That it was important for the appointment which was long overdue too.

I got back home after the appointment, made several more phone calls to get clarity and double check that I'd done everything correctly. Each time I had to call, I'd have to listen to a 4 minute pre-recorded message (lordy do I hate those!) before I could even hit zero to speak to a real, live person. Normally this would frustrate the heck out of me too, but with my new mindset, I didn't allow it to bother me in the least, waited patiently to get through the message I was now almost completely able to recite from memory, and pressed zero and asked my question. Sometimes I'd no sooner hang up than I'd remember another question I'd meant to ask but had forgotten. Then I thought this is ridiculous, all these roadblocks keep coming up for me, why was it so damn difficult to get what should be a simple task done? That was my old way of thinking so I caught that immediately, and decided I'd write down every single question I had as it came to me while going over the paperwork, so that when I called again, I'd ask them all and not have to call back again.

Although I'd really wanted to be able to be finished on Tuesday, I wasn't able to and I also gave myself permission to be okay with that too. So, Wednesday morning I got up and knew I was going to have to face this insane paperwork and all it brought up for me again. I always start out each day with 5 things I'm thankful/grateful for, so today it was that I was almost finished this task, that I'd be able to complete it today. I then spoke out loud saying “Today I will finally get this done and mailed no matter what stands in my way, no matter what problems creep up, I will get it done and mailed!”

I then approached everything differently. I did one final check over the paperwork and covering letter. I made sure everything was exactly as it had to be, the company I was sending this all to even had the audacity to mention that if the paperwork was not filled out as per their requirements, that there'd be a $40 penalty fee! Didn't let that bother me, but momentarily thought how annoying and arrogant they were. As I read through one of the documents that had to be done in duplicate, I noticed a glaring error staring back at me in my own hand writing. This was a document that had to be notarized by a lawyer, so when I saw I'd entered the wrong date, my frustration came flowing right back in. Normally I'd allow this to take me out and I'd put it all down in frustration as I'd done so many times before.

This time it was different. I decided to make a call to the lawyer's office to ask whether I'd have to come back in and have the entire form redone. My lawyer was not in :(. Then I had to leave a message for another lawyer specializing in wills explaining my mistake and would she please call me. I hung up thinking why the heck had I put down the wrong date? How on earth could I have made that mistake? How had I not noticed it before now? That was my old response, so I caught that too and decided I'd just make one more call to the company I needed to send everything to, go through the message again, and as I did this, I put out a silent request to the universe that I wouldn't be delayed another day, that I'd not need a new legal document drawn up and notarized, that I'd be able to stroke out my error and initial it. As I finally got through to someone, they told me exactly that, that I could make one stroke through the wrong date, but only one stroke, they needed to be able to see what I'd originally written, then to write the correct date and initial it. I was ecstatic, thanked her profusely, hung up and made the change.

I had to also enclose a certified cheque to pay for the fee. I was pretty much completely out of money, felt like this was another roadblock to overcome. Wondered why I always hit so many roadblocks. I awoke that Wednesday realizing a government pension should have gone into my bank account automatically so I quickly checked online and sure enough it was there! Again I gave silent thanks to whoever up there was listening. I had everything completely done, checked, double checked and triple checked and only needed the certified cheque, so I put it all into an envelope and headed off to the bank.

Got to the bank teller, was taken right away (bonus!) and when I asked for a certified cheque, the teller said “You mean a bank draft?”. I said no, the company I needed the cheque for was very difficult to deal with, I wanted to do EXACTLY what their paperwork specified which was “certified” cheque. He said that's so antiquated, why wouldn't they just accept a draft or have it be payable online? I said I don't know, how much is a certified cheque? He told me it would cost $25 and that a draft was free. Again another final roadblock seemed to be coming up. I thought about it for a second, decided I'd do the draft and save the $25. The draft was done up, I left the bank thinking I hoped I'd made the right decision and wondered whether I'd better call one last time to make sure before mailing the package.

I didn't really want to have to stop off at my house before going to the post office, another "perceived roadblock", but decided I would just to be safe. Drove home, ran up to my office, called the number and waited patiently to be able to press zero and recall thinking “wow! This is the LAST time I'll have to call this stupid number!). Double checked they'd accept the draft, suggested they might want to update/change their paperwork to reflect this fact and happily went back downstairs, out the door and drove to the post office.

Having to make this final stop back to my house meant only a 10 minute delay, so again I realized my thought process about that fact initially. I got to the post office, wanted to send my two packages which were just a regular sized letter envelope and a brown manilla 8 ½ x 11 envelope to the same address but had been oh so clearly instructed NOT to send them together! I enquired on cost to send them separately, was told it would cost an additonal $10 so I decided to put them into a cardboard Express Post envelope and send them together, knowing that at the other end when the package was opened, they'd see it was two separate envelopes.

I then asked when they'd receive the package as I was sending it overnight express with signature so that I could track online when it was delivered. Canada had just finished an almost one month strike by the Post Office (another deterrent/roadblock I'd come up against) and the worker informed me that although they charged the premium for overnight delivery, that due to the backlog, they'd not be able to guarantee it would in fact be delivered next day. I knew Friday was Canada Day here so if it didn't get delivered by Thursday, it would have to wait until the following Monday. I decided that was okay too and sent it.

I got back into my car, shouted woohoo! FINALLY!!!! I got it done! I felt like a tremendous weight had lifted off my shoulders and grinned like a Cheshire cat all the way home. I gave thanks out loud for finally having accomplished what I'd had so much trouble with. I was so proud of myself for getting it done no matter what got in my way, and many things had. I took a few minutes to ponder on what was different this time, why had I been able to follow through, persevere, not get taken out? It was then I realized – it was DETERMINED DECISION! I'd made a mental promise to myself not to be taken out by anything that stood in my way.

Then I pondered on why I'd had the need to learn that same lesson again? Why was it that I, who was very acutely aware of mindfulness, attitude, thought processes - had not applied all that learned knowledge to this process eons ago? I recognized immediately that it was me who had been getting in my own way, me taking myself out, me telling myself that I couldn't possibly get this task done. I also recognized that by making a DETERMINED DECISION, that I'd set in motion a mindset that was set up to win no matter what, that I'd not get flustered or stopped by any problems that came along, that I'd get this done today no matter what!

The lesson was not lost on me. It is something I'm acutely aware of in many ways. I read tons of posts from people about mindset, what works, how to get goals accomplished, etc. I love hearing about others' successes, but kept feeling like a failure that it wasn't happening for me, whether it was this particular task or moving forward with my life and my business - following my heart. I had quite an epiphany that day. I realized that on this particular task, I'd been able to make a DETERMINED DECISION, that I'd come from that place of being able to accomplish whatever I needed to, and more importantly, that if I applied that same determination and made THAT decision with everything I wanted, I'd approach things in an entirely different way, and thereby have an entirely different outcome. An outcome I want!

I also made a DETERMINED DECISION that although this may seem a small accomplishment to some, for me it was huge! It meant I'd taken action, followed through, accomplished a goal I'd set for myself, helped myself financially and was being entirely 100% accountable! I made a decision that I would do up this blog post sharing my experience, that it was important in more ways than one for me, and that just had to be documented.

I will now employ DETERMINED DECISION to whatever I need to get done. I will remember this struggle I had as an example of what not to do with my thoughts and actions. I am thankful for the lesson repeated, because THIS time – I was ready to learn it once and for all. :).

By the way - I checked online the next morning, I'd mailed the package at 4:30pm and it had arrived and been signed for by 8:11am the next morning! Thank you Universe!